If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
