i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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