Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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