I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
