I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
honey bunches of taint.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
