a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
