The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
