I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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