please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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