2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
