i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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