I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
