i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I checked into jail on foursquare
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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