when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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