Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
