remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
