I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
