New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
