Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
