I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My vagina is officially offended.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
