Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I need a beard to bite.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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