I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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