i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
