Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
