He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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