I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
