You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
