i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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