The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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