every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
