i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
