Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
