drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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