JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
