dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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