I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
