The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
