Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
