no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
