wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
