i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
