I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We need a shit load of segways right now
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
