I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
