I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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