She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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