I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
