I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
