It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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