How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
