guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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